Seven Nasty Lies the World Tells Parents of Special Needs Kids

by Spencer Doman, M.Ed

Parents of kids with special needs are constantly given advice, tips, and “wisdom” from the world around them. These recommendations often come from doctors, teachers, family, and friends. Their advice, though well-intentioned, is often not helpful. Sometimes, it’s destructive and outright wrong. When parents are told things that aren't constructive or helpful, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and despair. Unfortunately, this hurts kids the most as their parents feel lost and don’t know what to do next. Let’s identify some of the most destructive lies that society tells special needs parents.

Lie #1: “Your child will never _______.”

Hundreds of parents, at their first visit at Doman International, begin by telling us a list of things professionals said their child would never do. Often, parents will tell us the child has already proven those same professionals wrong. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard, “My pediatrician said he would never speak and he’s talking in sentences” or “Our physiotherapist said he wouldn’t learn to coordinate movements and he’s now creeping”, I’d be a much richer person. Giving a child a prognosis (prediction of a future outcome) is wrong and absurd, and there’s no neurological test that can predict the future. Kids prove these “predictions” wrong every day. Keep in mind that any professional who tells you your child can’t improve, is not searching for answers for your kid. Why would they look for solutions when they don’t believe one exists?

Telling a parent that their child is hopeless is harmful for parent and child

Lie #2: “Your child will never understand.”

One of the greatest lies parents are told by professionals is that their child with special needs is unintelligent. Often, these assumptions are drawn from outdated ideas like the concept that a child who is unable to speak or move well cannot understand. A child’s inability to speak does not indicate a lack of understanding. Understanding speech is a function of hearing, it is a sensory ability. Speech is a motor ability. These are two different neurological functions. It is very possible for someone to understand, understand well, and still not be able to demonstrate or communicate that intelligence. Think of the late, great Stephen Hawking. While he lost all of his motor abilities (his ability to speak and move) due to a motor neuron disease, his intelligence and comprehension were unaffected. Just because someone doesn’t talk doesn’t mean they are stupid. Telling a parent that a child is unintelligent is profoundly destructive for the child’s development. The parent will never give the child the same stimulation and opportunities they would another child if they are under the false impression that the child is unable to learn! This lie is especially cruel because it actually contributes to the child’s problems.

Lie #3: “Your child’s condition cannot be helped.”

Almost every family that I’ve ever met at Doman International has been told by some doctor, teacher or therapist that their child is hopeless. The idea that a child is hopeless is downright false. Children who have been diagnosed with autism, cerebral palsy, developmental delay, epilepsy, learning difficulties or genetic abnormalities like Down Syndrome CAN improve and get better. We know this because of a phenomena called neuroplasticity, which is the ability of the human brain to change and improve depending on the stimulation we receive and the activities we engage in. So can a child’s condition be helped? Absolutely! Any professional who says otherwise is not updated on the latest science and is making a cruel prediction that just breaks the heart of the parent. Whenever you hear someone predict failure for your child, remember that a teacher told Thomas Edison’s mother that her son had “scrambled brains” and was hopeless. I guess it turned out that it wasn’t Edison who was the idiot, after all. 

Lie #4: “Just accept the situation and move on.”

This is an interesting statement because the actual lie is not the comment itself but the implication that is below the surface. Should parents of special needs kids accept the situation that their child has a neurodevelopmental condition? Absolutely. However, the lie in this statement is the unspoken implication that the child is hopeless and that the parent should just “move on” to other things in their life, as if the child’s problem doesn’t have to be helped or addressed. It is important for parents to accept and acknowledge what the problem is -- so that we can address it and try our best to overcome it. We have known at Doman International for many years that there are many things that can be done to help children with special needs. We know that a child’s condition can get better if they receive consistent integrative treatments that help promote brain development. We’ve seen kids get better with our own eyes. Perhaps this statement could become true if it was changed to “Just accept the situation...and let’s get started!”

Sometimes the lie is implied in a statement that appears well-meaning and supportive

Lie #5: “This is your fault.”

You might be thinking, “No one would be so cruel as to say something like this!” In most cases, you’re right, but I’ve heard many other statements told to parents where the underlying message was that their child’s condition was their fault. This often comes with judgemental comments from others implying the parent did something wrong or neglected to do something right about their child. Parents have told me they’ve heard things like:

“Didn’t you get an amniocentesis to find out if your kid would have any abnormalities?”

“You speak to your child in more than one language? That just confuses them -- that’s why your child isn’t speaking.”

“You didn’t breastfeed? That’s really important for IQ.”

“Your child is hyperactive because you don’t discipline him enough.”

“Kids are more likely to have problems when their mom gets pregnant when she’s older.”

Once a parent from India told me a know-it-all-relative told them that the child had a developmental problem because of bad karma from a past lifetime! Each of these statements are as false as they are stupid and absolutely do not deserve a response or comment but they often cause significant emotional damage on parents.

Lie #6: “Give both of your children equal time or your neurotypical child will grow resentful.”

I have met hundreds, perhaps thousands, of families of special needs kids. I often have the pleasure to meet the siblings of these children. Nine times out of ten, the siblings are absolutely angels. They love their brother or sister with special needs and will move the earth to help them. Our Doman Method™ programs are often intense and require work and dedication -- these children are elegant therapists for their siblings and often learn how to do the treatments easier than their parents! They often know their siblings better than anyone else. No, the sibling of the child with special needs will not be resentful or jealous, as long as they feel like a respected member of the household. 

Parents need to be honest and clear with siblings about the situation. For example, this kind of explanation can work wonders: 

“Michael, your brother has a brain injury. The brain is the command center for our body, which is why it’s difficult for him to walk and talk. But that’s why we do these activities and treatments -- to help his brain develop so that he can do everything that you can do! So I need your help. Can you be mommy’s assistant? Can you be daddy’s right-hand-man? We need your help with his tactile stimulation treatment because you’re the best at that. No one can do it as well as you can. Can you help us do that three times daily?” 

When you are honest and direct with a kid, when you show them that you appreciate and respect them, they understand their innate contribution to the family. It’s like they’re getting a promotion. It’s simple and powerful.

Including your neurotypical child in the treatments of your special needs kid will help both of them!

Lie #7: “Having a child with special needs will destroy your family.”

The last and perhaps most cruel lie. No one can predict a family’s future. Many parents are told their likelihood of getting divorce is higher with a child with special needs, that they’re more likely to face difficult times, and that they are more likely to feel depression, anxiety and stress. All of these things may be true, at times. However, many families emerge from a diagnosis of a developmental delay stronger and more resilient than ever. Many families band together and find more love and dedication to one another in their battle for their child. Many couples find a deeper love and commitment to one another with a shared mission to help their child get better. Telling a parent of a kid with special needs that they’re going to face more difficulties than other parents is obvious, and you don’t need to be a genius to have that realization. But often what people do not realize is that life’s most trying times can also be the most rewarding of times. That our shared struggles give our life meaning. And that families that fight the good fight together can grow together.

At Doman International, we’ve been lucky enough to have witnessed children overcome all these challenges and false predictions by “experts.” 

If you’re a parent out there, knowing that these lies exist will help you navigate the world and tune out those who are leading you in the wrong direction. If you follow your own intuition as a parent, you’ll be right the vast majority of the time. Like you, our team will continue to search for answers for kids wherever we can find them. Most importantly, like you, we’ll never give up on your child.

Want to learn more about the Doman Method™ and how it helps kids with special needs? Fill out this form below and our representatives will help answer all your questions.