“When you are the Dad”
This is for all the parents in a supporting role in the Doman Method Program at home. This person, the secondary programmer, is usually working and can only help with the program at certain times of the week or on weekends. In most families, this person is called “Dad”. I am writing this from the point of view of a Life Coach, having worked with many families on the Doman Method Program. Why?
“Because YOU can either be the family coach or the family problem. You have to decide!”
Let me start by saying, you have a really tough job. You have a lot of responsibility and little of the glory. My grandfather, Glenn Doman, believed that this program always brought couples closer together. I disagree. This only happens when the supporting parent [YOU] understands how important the primary programmer (your partner) is, being involved in your child’s development and growth. It only happens when you become the family coach.
Your primary job is to support your spouse 110%.
However, difficulties often start when the primary programmer (your partner) starts to believe that you can’t perform the program as well as they can. Or perhaps you aren’t as consistent as they are, or you aren’t as effective at reaching daily goals. They believe you can’t do it as perfectly as they do it, so they would rather do it themselves. Sounds familiar? Or maybe they need support when you get home, but you have no energy left after a long day of work.
It’s really hard being you. Trust me, I know. You have to keep everything together and again, you get none of the sympathy. Doman International often focuses on praising mothers over and over again, but we don’t praise you as much as we should. We are going to change that.
But you have a job to do. Your wife has a kid to save, and so do YOU. There are many reasons why you could feel like you are sidelined. Your wife might be too tired to talk at the end of the day. She might not give you the attention you hope for as a husband, and sometimes treat you as another kid. I know it feels like rejection but it’s actually a cry for help.
You see, she is losing herself in motherhood. Motherhood is a role that is focused on the needs of others - most especially the kids. Mothers nearly never put themselves first. This is why she needs YOUR help to put herself first. She needs you. She needs you more than you can imagine right now.
But how do you show up for her in this time of need?
Neither of you has been in this situation before.
It’s simple yet difficult. Here are the three tools from Life Coaches that you can do right now to help bring more calm and peace to your home:
1. Self-care
You need to give her one hour per day for her own self-care. The most important thing is that she leaves the house. LITERALLY. She needs to connect with herself so you stay with the kids and she goes out. No, going to her room or outside to the porch doesn’t count. She needs to leave and go and connect with herself. For some mothers, that may be a part-time job or going to the gym. For some, it will be going to read at a library or taking a pottery class. One Doman Mom that I know goes to McDonalds and writes her blog. If that is what she wants to do, let her do it.
There are three important rules to this step. The first is, YOU have to be with the kids. Not a paid helper, not your mom, but YOU. Your kids need you just as much as their mother and this is a wonderful opportunity for you to bond. She will also feel more secure if it's you. She won’t feel alone in this mission if she knows you’re a part of it as well. The second rule during this time is that making Doman Method materials or another program-related activity is not an acceptable thing for her to do during this hour. Again, it needs to be something for herself. The last rule is there is no judgment for her activity. She can do whatever she wants.
2. A Date Night
A date night is vital. Spend your money on a babysitter and get out of the house. It should be the same night every week. For my parents, it was a Wednesday night. They never missed their Wednesday night dance lesson. It helped them stay connected. The fact they were also doing something healthy, fun, and together was even better. Dads, you need to take command of this night and organize it. It’s tempting to say, “Honey, you choose what we should do.” But your partner is making decisions all day long. Having one evening where she doesn’t have to make a decision? Where everything is already worked out for her? Trust me, it will make a huge difference.
3. The last but not the least…
This last point is hard to even discuss, but it is important. You have to understand that doing the program is extremely challenging. Doing a Doman Method Program is a full-time job. PERIOD. It’s very difficult. You have no right to come home and think for one minute that your wife has “been home all day doing nothing”. You need to decompress and so does she. Technically, you have both been at work ALL DAY. Before you get home, you need to decompress. Yes, YOU need to take time to get back to yourself so that when you walk in the door, her break begins. It will be the first one she gets all day. For many dads, it’s singing to themselves in the car on the way home or stopping by the gym before getting home. Take that time to center yourself so when you get home and walk into the house, you can say those sexy and romantic words every mom wants to hear, “Honey, I got this, you relax, I will be with the kids.”
The strongest families that come out of the Doman Program intact are the ones that come out with a family coach. Are you ready to step into that role? If you’re not, who is?
It’s really hard what you and your spouse do each and every day.
I know everyone looks at her like she is a hero. It is because she is a hero. But you want her looking back at you knowing that she could never have done it without you.
“You are a team!”
For some extra resources, I would highly suggest the book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She works with couples and gives a lot of great examples about how to handle your dynamic if it’s not full of love and laughter like it should be.
Happy coupling!
Like Theodore Hesburgh said:
“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”