Connecting with Each Other
I recently had a conversation with a dad that completely changed my perspective. He said that he finds it difficult to connect with his wife because of his inability to communicate and express his emotions to her. He can’t express his pain, anger, or fear for his child because he feels he has to be strong for her, for them.
From his viewpoint, these thoughts are totally understandable. He feels responsible to protect his wife and family. He has to keep them safe and happy as much as he can, especially from his own negativity. If being emotional means exposing them to his feelings, you can see why keeping his feelings inside makes sense. He is doing it for his family.
“The tricky part is that talking is the start of connecting with each other. ”
Your spouse wants to know your fears, shame, anger, guilt, or whatever else you feel. We are often taught to equate “being a man” with being or seeming emotionless. This conditioning is prevalent around the world, even today. However, your wife - the mother of your child with special needs - actually needs to know you feel vulnerable too. She needs to know your feelings. She needs to know she is not alone.
“Being a parent of a child with special needs is already isolating enough. Don’t become isolated from each other too.”
How can you improve communication between you and your spouse?
To begin the process of improving communication, set a time to check in with each other daily. Many parents allot a window of time either early in the morning or after everything has settled down at home for the night.
People who have succeeded at this, have one major suggestion:
In order to be completely honest with your partner, it is important to be totally alone with them. I personally suggest this simply because of all the things that are shared, there may be some things that neither you nor your partner will ever want your child to hear.
I have outlined below, three ways to make sure this little chat is truly healing!
Actively Listen to Your Spouse
What does this mean?
Active Listening is when you are listening to really hear what the other person is saying to you instead of listening to just respond. Let them speak. Do not feel the need to fix anything. Just say you understand and that is it. Just listen and be with them.
If you want to improve your listening skills, check out this video. Yes, listening is a skill and probably one of the most important skills you can learn in life.
2. Cultivate a judgment-free zone!
This is a sacred time for both of you. A simple yet effective question to initiate the conversation is to ask, “What are you struggling with today?”
These questions allow for a deep conversation to begin.
At this moment, neither you nor your wife are there to actively fix anything. Just listen. That is all.
In the coaching world, we call this a holding space. Hold space for your spouse to express their thoughts and feelings.
No judgment, no comments, no fixing!
3. Remind each other that feelings are valid.
Your feelings are valid and so are hers. All that you are feeling is completely human. Remind each other of that. If you see your partner crying or angry, acknowledge that and remind them that it's okay. Allow talking about feelings to be a positive experience in your house. You will then find that these festered feelings are no longer a long-term resident in your space as the holding space you nurtured, allows you to process them in a way that makes them leave quicker and helps you feel more relieved. Whether we are faced with a stressful or life-threatening situation, we immediately develop a “freeze” response as our bodies think we are under attack. Crying is a way to release that “freeze” response that overcomes us under stress. This is why it is so important to let it go!
Other sureshot and highly recommended ways to release the “freeze” response are physical activity and meditation. Each one is empowering, healthy, and truly releases stress and allows us to stay present in the moment.
I personally believe that every parent of a child with special needs deserves to be in a supportive and fulfilling relationship. No better time than now to make your relationship stronger than ever. If you are feeling inspired to go even deeper into this conversation I suggest picking up a copy of Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. It is a really useful book to get deeper with your spouse.