How to Speak to a Child with Special Needs
By Spencer Doman
I have been surrounded by kids with special needs since the day I was born. My grandfather, Glenn Doman, was a pioneer in the field of treating neurodevelopmental conditions and brain injury. Hundreds of families traveled to Philadelphia every year to see my grandfather and his team of staff, to see if the Doman Method™ could possibly help their child. As my grandparents and parents worked with kids with special needs, I grew up playing with these children and honestly never really thought of them “different” or “special” for that matter. Having this unique upbringing inspired me to join the mission as I grew older.
“Having spent my whole life around these children, I often find that people don’t know how to speak to or interact with kids with special needs. ”
Adults often don’t know what to say to them and so they often stay silent around them. This lack of interaction usually comes from one of three issues:
1. They don’t speak:
Since the child either speaks little or does not speak at all, the adult doesn’t know what to speak about with the child.
2. A lack of confidence in the child:
As the child does not speak well, some adults question the child’s intelligence and cognition and are not confident the child will understand what they are saying.
3. A feeling of awkwardness:
The adult feels awkward speaking to someone who may not always show a response to what they are saying.
Each of these points is important. Don’t feel guilty if you’ve felt these things before. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It can be tough to know what to speak about with a person or child who cannot express themselves well. Let’s discuss what steps you should take to actively converse with, stimulate, and interact with a child with special needs.
Before we get into practical recommendations, let’s discuss why it’s important to speak with these children:
1. It’s how they learn:
Children build their comprehension and understanding of language, and the world, based on what is said to them and shown to them. Speaking to these children and interacting with them is essential because it is the best way for them to learn how to understand and speak.
2. It’s for their self-esteem:
Children, and in fact all humans, can feel a great deal of isolation when others do not interact with them. Ignoring someone is an insult to them, whether you mean to insult the individual or not. All of us at some point in our lives have been in a social group where we were the outsider and the members of the group did not bring us into the conversation, making us feel welcome. This stems from thoughtlessness. We can decide to be the person who brings others into the conversation, or to ignore the “outsider”. Having special needs is tough enough, so we don’t need to add a sense of isolation to their list of challenges -- it’s our responsibility to allow them to feel included and comfortable.
3. It will impact how they behave:
Don’t be surprised if a child acts like a baby if everyone treats them or speaks to them like they’re a baby. Treating a person with dignity and respect will impact how they behave. If they see the people in their environment respect them (and as a result have high expectations for them), they will likely rise to meet that respect and expectation. If they see they are ignored or considered to be unintelligent, they will likely lash out with immature behavior to get attention, whether it’s aggression, inappropriate behavior, or immaturity.
Now that we’ve established why it’s so important to talk to kids with special needs, you might be thinking: “OK Spencer, but what am I supposed to talk about with a kid that can’t speak?” Here are some helpful suggestions and guidelines to live by:
1. Speak to a child with special needs like they were anyone else:
For some readers, this might seem cliched, but this is half the battle. If a kid is unable to speak, it doesn’t mean they’re stupid. Being unable to speak actually has nothing to do with intelligence. Stephen Hawking lost his ability to speak due to motor neuron disease, but the brilliant astrophysicist remained brilliant. Why? Because comprehension of language and the ability to speak and express yourself are two different brain functions. So you SHOULD speak to a child with special needs like they are any other person and assume they are smart and understand everything you’re saying. Doing anything less is limiting them and bad for their development.
2. Never say anything around the child that you wouldn’t want to be said around you:
Since we’ve already determined that these children CAN understand, you should never say anything about them that is rude, disrespectful or negative. Would you want people saying things about you as if you weren’t there? A mom recently told me that she brought her child with Trisomy-21 to the doctor and the physician asked her about her child, “Does it speak?” I’m sure that if you’re reading this blog it means you are concerned enough about individuals with special needs never to utter something so insensitive, but it serves as a reminder to all of us that we need to be careful about what we say around children in their presence. This means never to say things about what the child will “never be able to do” or talking about their symptoms as if they're not there.
3. When in doubt, orient and explain things to the child.
It is not always easy to think of topics of conversation with a child that doesn't speak well. When you aren’t sure of what to talk about, telling the child about the daily schedule, what’s going to happen next and what they will experience is always wise. For example, why not orient the child throughout the day with information like: “Later today, at 2 o’clock, we’re going to Dr. Rothman’s office. Remember Dr. Rothman? He’s the sweet doctor who gave you a sticker at your last appointment. He’s going to check your temperature, check your heart with the stethoscope, and listen to your breathing. Then after that we’re going to head to Whole Foods to do grocery shopping. I’ll make sure to get that almond milk you love! Then we’ll come home to have dinner with grandma and daddy at 6 o’clock. Grandma is making the avocado and quinoa bowl that you love!” If this feels like “a lot” to you, remember that as a child, you don’t get to choose your daily routine and your sense of time is not the same as an adult. For the kid, they do not know what’s coming next or how long something takes unless someone tells you.
“So tell them what’s going on! It will allow them to feel more structured and they will be comforted knowing what’s next.”
4. Never, never, never speak down to the child:
As I said before, if you speak to a child like they’re a baby, don’t be surprised if they act like a baby. Speak to your child with respect for their innate intelligence and at the level of maturity for which you would like them to behave. Children will immediately change the way they see themselves by how adults interact with them. I’ve seen different parents confronted with nearly identical situations with their children, but depending on how the parent reacts, the children will change their behavior. For example, in one family, a child falls down and the parent overreacts with “Oh no! You got a big boo-boo!” and the child screams and cries for minutes on end. In another family, the parent calmly says, “No worries, you’ve got a cut. Let’s get some soap and water, and some antiseptic, we’ll clean it off and make sure there’s no bacteria that can cause infection. Then we’ll put band-aid on it and there won’t be any more bleeding.” The kid in the latter family will always respond more maturely because they will see they are in the hands of someone that truly respects their intelligence, and they’ll rise to the occasion.
5. When in doubt, give the child choices:
For kids with special needs, giving them options in life is important. Why is giving choices important? First, because giving choices allows kids who are unable to speak to still communicate what they need and want. Asking a child what they want demonstrates you CARE about what they want. It gives them a sense of being respected, acknowledged, and listened to. You also get to know the child better. So ask them questions like:
“What shirt do you want to wear today? The green or red shirt?” and hold up the two shirts. Wait for them to look or point at their answer.
“Which of these books do you want me to read to you?” Hold up two options and wait for the child to indicate their answer
“What do you want for a snack? An apple or pear?” Show these options to the child.
6. Praise them whenever they do something good:
Kids love to be praised for their efforts, so tell the child whenever they’ve done something well so that they know to continue doing it. Parents often focus only on pointing out bad behaviors and correcting kids for mistakes, but don’t point out all the positive things the kids do. If you praise a child for something, they will want to do it more. Praising a child is a welcome compliment from any adult.
7. Get down to the “child’s level”:
It’s always good to crouch or bend down when necessary to get “eye-to-eye” when talking to kids. This doesn’t just apply to kids with special needs -- it is best to do with all kids. Maintaining eye contact and getting down to their level reflects your respect for them, it reflects honesty and friendliness and shows them that you are willing to listen to them. It’s a simple thing that takes no time at all but is game-changer.
8. Speak to the child with true respect:
I’ve seen the disingenuous adult who talks to a child with special needs like they’re stupid. It’s painful to watch. Make sure that when you speak to a kid with special needs, to speak in a tone that honors the respect they deserve. You might think, “Respect? For a three-year-old child with cerebral palsy? For a tiny, hyperactive kid with autism or ADD? For a baby with Down Syndrome? Why?!?” Keep in mind that the “fragile” child of special needs that you are speaking to has likely survived moments that the strongest of us couldn’t weather. Many of them made it through traumatic births, frightening illnesses and severe brain damage. They weathered the storm and many endured it with a smile and without a whimper. They don’t ask for your sympathy or money. They are kids, like all other kids, but have already demonstrated a toughness and resilience that is to be respected.
I hope that this article helps people better understand how to interact with and speak to kids with special needs. In the end, if you can find it in your heart to respect the child’s innate intelligence and grasp that they have a great potential, the rest will fall into place.